First I was running between Point A & B due to my house renovations. It was very tiring and all I asked for it be to over asap. Then when I thought that all would be ok after having the works all completed, I was wrong.

I regretted not working over the Christmas & New Year weekend. There I was thinking I was finally free from work and be able to spend some time having fun but all it came down to was lots of time by myself, causing my mind to think all the nonsensical stuff which I really hate. Which eventually led to this and the previous entries.

There was one night where I totally could not even sleep. Even though my body was aching and my eyes were so heavy but my mind just went on and on and on. It brought back alot of good and bad memories. Of which came the famous question, what if I had stayed on.

If I had stayed on, I would have my own dream car, an iron rice bowl in this crazy times and a cool occupation.

I always hate it when I attend my course mates' weddings. Once upon a time, I believed in 'The One' and marriage for life but all that went out the window. I learnt something very important about myself and I'm afraid of it. It's so scary that I hope I can suppress it with all my might. I don't want to be someone like that.

I think I have also been quite pathetic in the sense of poor, which really irks me to the core. I don't know how those years went by without myself realising what had became of me. When it came to food, money had never been an issue. That is a motto of mine and lately it has been not practicable.

What you Reap is what you Sow. I cut both intentionally and unintentionally ties and therefore this is how it turned out. I might look ok but I'm not, I'm just so good at acting it out, fooling you and even myself.

My sense of urgency has really brought me ups and down. Being a last minute person, brings you lots of excitement but yet disappointment. Have I known that would have happened, I would have made a reservation. I thought, assumed and therefore I got what I deserved. But then it made me who I am today, agile, adaptable, fast and quick-witted.

I don't think I'm gonna look forward to CNY or anymore festive seasons. I was still thinking whether to work on CNY's eve and the actual days and use it as an excuse to skip out on the troublesome trips to my uncle's place.

It's quite sad to have come down to this state. There was a time I loved going back to Malaysia for the CNY period. I stress the word 'was'. Although I really love the festive atmosphere there, with the food, laid back kampung setting, gathering of so many relatives, t is just so strange to go back to a place where I only see them once a year, completely awkwardness. I don't speak the language, don't really know who is who, and no longer as good as I was with the mahjong tiles.

I hate how I can just drown myself like that, literally.